How I Survived a Year Without Hormones

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How I Survived a Year Without Hormones

My Experience Coming Off HRT for Fertility as a Trans Woman

Her Grace, Duchess Ava

May 27, 2025

My superpowers are back! I’m at full capacity.

“HRT didn’t just give me curves—it gave me my life back. And taking it away nearly broke me.”

I restarted my hormone therapy at the beginning of June 2024, after a year and one month off. Hormone-level-wise and mood-wise, I’m back to where I was two years ago (and apparently picking up where I left off—including a Summer of Joy!). The way my mental health has fully recovered, the way the lingering dysphoria and subsequent moods have dissipated—I feel spiritually connected not only to myself and my body, but to the universe at large.

I often describe to people in the healthcare education work I do that, before hormones, it felt like I was merely observing my body from the outside. Dissociated more often than not. That was just how I lived.

But the moment I first felt the hormones enter my body—on the day before Thanksgiving, 2019—I felt like I was home in my body. For the first time. Truly, physically present.

If you didn’t know, I was on a fertility journey that required me to come off hormones.

Cue Beyonce’s LEVII JEANS, but I’ve been finding myself again after the toll of the last two years.

I thought, “Oh, an easy three months off—bada bing, bada boom.” Everything online said it could take up to six months for the hormones to leave your body. But what did I know? I was high on optimism… and the possibility of getting a baby and my movie funded.

For context—I’d already gone through a grieving period over not being able to have kids. I knew as soon as I started hormones that I’d likely lose fertility, and without a viable path toward parenthood, I couldn’t just “save” fertility indefinitely, could I? Looking back, I tell everyone who’s about to start hormones: preserve now. Because coming off? Is a bitch.

It took three months for the anti-boy-otics to leave my body, and another three before my body began producing genetic material again. We had to wait for my body, and then collect and preserve several samples—all in the hope that one day I might become a mother.

I needed to be in Sarasota to do collection… but we were trying to time it right. My future co-parent and I (that’s a whole separate post) wanted to go together and possibly do a fresh implantation right after extraction and preservation. But it wouldn’t be until April 2024 before we could even make that first trip. A second trip followed, just to ensure I got everything I wanted—because once I went back on, there would be no coming off again.

Once off, it didn’t take long for testosterone to begin ravaging my body again.

For those who enjoy testosterone’s effects, I love that for you. For those who don’t—listen up:

People joke about estrogen being “hormonal,” but testosterone? That’s the real hormonal drug. It fluctuates wildly. Even in cis women, the rise of testosterone can impact moods. I’m simplifying, but still.

All the gains I’d made—body figure, facial and body hair growth, curves—came to a halt and reversed. I literally watched what felt like my tits deflate. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without crying.

Side note—when I first went on HRT, it wasn’t life or death. I just wanted to see if it was right for me. But after four blissful years on HRT, three months off of it left me in a severe mental health crisis that only resolved because I knew it was temporary.

Being off hormones was possibly the hardest year of my life.

That’s not just hyperbole.

That year also included:

– A severe family falling out

– The death of my beloved dog Audrey

– Bankruptcy

– Watching The Waltz crash and burn

– Feeling deeply abandoned by people I trusted

– And watching this country turn its backlash toward trans people

It all took a deadly toll on my mental health.

There were times, during forensic training work out of town, I’d return to the hotel and cry nonstop from dysphoria. Explaining trauma-informed care while physically vulnerable is already hard. But being off hormones and needing to teach nurses how any genital exam can trigger dysphoria and dissociation in trans patients? That was almost unbearable.

There were moments I was on the exam table, mid-teaching, and I couldn’t help but cry. Or sneak behind a curtain to release the flood. Between the self-loathing, insecurities, and dysphoria—it was an incredibly dark time.

On top of that, I was enduring one of the most dysphoria-inducing experiences: fertility.

My brain told my body it should be able to do something it physically couldn’t. That disconnect… it’s indescribable. The grief of never experiencing certain things. The desire for gender-affirming surgery that feels forever out of reach. All of it combined into a maelstrom of pain.

Having a strong community—and a deeply supportive partner—is what got me through.

But it’s taken me a while to get back to this point.

And yes—it’s taken this long for my tits to recover.

So, as we enter Pride Month, let me say this loud: HRT is life-saving. I’ve been there firsthand.

We are at a watershed moment in this country.

That bill that just passed the House? It has the potential to decimate access to gender-affirming care for the 3.1 million+ trans and nonbinary people in the U.S.

We’re already past the Rubicon—but there’s still time to save lives.

There are ongoing efforts to criminalize being trans or queer. And so far, no meaningful measures to stop them.

Now more than ever, trans and nonbinary folks need visible, vocal support—especially youth, who may not have the distance or language to survive what’s happening.

Find ways to support the queer people in your life.

It all starts locally. Show up to planning meetings. Zoning meetings. School boards. Local elections. It’s more than just voting every four years—it’s showing up every week. Every month. Being a voice. Educating. Countering the disinformation pouring out of conservative think tanks.

That is how we fight this.

As we enter Pride:

We need more than love is love.

We need action.